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51 Hysterical and Rather Rude "Chinese" Proverbs

These "Chinese" proverbs had me in stitches - they have many an interesting, funny (and occasionally rather rude) nuggets of wisdom to share with the world though they are not real Chinese proverbs. These are just pure humor. The key to these is that if you don't get them the first time, read them again - many are a play on words, which may not be instantly obvious. I hope you enjoy these hilarious proverbs as much as I did!


For this first section, say "A man who..." before reading each one: 

Chinese people laughing and smiling

...runs in front of car, gets “tired”.

...runs behind a car, gets “exhausted”.

...eats too many prunes gets a good run for his money, and will be on the lavatory for many moons.

...fights with his wife all day, doesn’t get any piece at night.

...stands on a toilet is high on pot.

...streaks on his way to the office is unsuited for his job.

...has a hand in his pocket, feels cocky all day.

...keeps his feet firmly grounded, has trouble putting on his pants.

...sinks into a woman’s arms will soon find his arms in her sink.

...jumps off a cliff, jumps to a conclusion.

... who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

... farts in church, sits in own pew. 

Chinese people laughing and smiling

...fishes in another man’s hole will often catch crabs.

...eats crackers in bed wakes up feeling crummy.

...flies his airplane upside down is bound to have a crack-up.

...gets hit by a car will get that run-down feeling.

...pushes a grand piano down a mine shift will get A-flat minor.

...pees on an electric fence will receive shocking news.

...puts his head on a railroad track, will get a splitting headache.

...sleeps on a bed of nails is holy.

...sneezes without a hanky takes the matter into his own hands.

...makes a mistake on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

...drives like hell is bound to get there.

... who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.

... drops his watch in the toilet keeps crappy time.

... never eats pork is never a whole man.

Now here are a few words of advice for women. Say "A woman who..." before reading out these: 

Chinese people laughing and smiling

... sits on a jockey’s lap gets a hot tip.

... sits on a judge’s lap gets an honorable discharge.

... goes camping must beware any evil intent.

... lives in a glass house should change clothes in the basement. 

... does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

And here are general ones:

-  A wife who puts her husband in the doghouse will soon find him in the cat house.

- A boy who goes to sleep with a hard problem wakes up with the solution in hand.

- A passionate kiss, similarly to a spider’s web, leads to the undoing of the fly.

- The thing is though, virginity is like a bubble – just one prick and it’s all gone.

- In addition, while it takes many nails to build a crib, it takes just one screw to fill it.

Chinese people laughing and smiling

Now let's look at some random hilarious "Chinese" proverbs that you can use to make your friends laugh:

- A man with one chopstick goes hungry.

- If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

- A modern house without a toilet is un"canny".

- Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.

- Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

- If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

chinese coupe, laughing

- A man with no balls seldom gets erected to orifice.

- Take off your pants and fart.

- Children in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children.

- Why stand when you can sit, why sit when you can sleep.

- He who sticks his nose in other person's punch bowl gets punched in the face.

- Man with women problem on his mind wakes up with solution in hand.

- Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

However, if you're a man, probably the most important proverb to remember is this: 


"A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano.

A wise man gives his wife an upright organ."

Chinese people laughing and smiling
Make sure you share these words of wisdom if they made you chuckle!

Image Sources: depositphotospexels
Content Sources: Funny2, Kung Fu Magazine
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