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history Jokes

history Jokes and more.
Jokes For Women
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
History Puns
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
History Pick Up Lines
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Cherry Puns
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
A War With the Devil
Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity. The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end. In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him. Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes. After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began. To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape. There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple." "Everyone knows the devil's in the details."
Mummy Puns
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Pedro the Quote Master
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Are You Pick Up Lines
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
Geology Puns
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Doctor's Friendly Advice
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor goes over his history and does his physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL sees no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
Ancient Egypt Puns
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Bowling Puns
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Pizza Puns
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Bacon Puns
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Computer Jokes
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
Science Puns
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Little Johnny and the History Exam
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests." Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you." "So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large. "Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you." "Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny. "Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Some of the Funniest Lines in History...
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ Unknown “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:  ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".  Eleanor Roosevelt “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”  George Burns “Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”  Jimmy Durante  “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.”  Jilly Cooper  “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”   “I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept  the house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor  “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food  groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”  Alex Levine  “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.”  Ed Furgol  “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant  form of misery.”  Spike Milligan  “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the  position.” Mark Twain “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Herbert Henry Asquith  “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.”  Bob Hope  “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank  her.”  W C Fields “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”  George Burns  “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”  Unknown  “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will  avoid you.”  Unknown  Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”  Unknown  “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.”  Unknown
France Puns
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Nurse Puns
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Greek vs. Italian
Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of Athens and Rome. the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!" The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!" The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!" The Italian man stops a moment to think, then says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"
Onion Puns
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
One Liners and Short Jokes
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Italy Puns
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Llama Puns
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
Greece Puns
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Puns
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Dinosaurs and the Magic Lamp
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a dino-genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!" The rest is history.
TV Puns
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Deodorant Puns
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Pick Up Lines
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Funny Birthday Poems
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Medieval Puns
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Computer Puns
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
An Ounce of Brain
A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"