I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
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