You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
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