Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
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