Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.