Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Go to BabaMail
