Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.