It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald