In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''

Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''

''Open the bloody bag!''

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.