When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)