There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
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