Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.