Stand Jokes

"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
You can stand under my umbrella.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
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