News Jokes

What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
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