News Jokes

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Why didn’t the printer print the fake news?
Because he didn’t know the fax!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
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