Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four." "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Scotsmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found?? "Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation! "Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete. "She never got your E-mail!"

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings "Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back. Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor." Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well." Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 Russian prisoners."

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm rang in all surrounding fire departments. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station that could bring out the company's secret files. But the firefighters still couldn't get through. From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that small run-down fire engine roared right past all the new sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds. He walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you planning to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."