A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!