What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.