Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Knock knock.
Come in.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
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