A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
You know what they say? Words.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
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