Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
You know what they say? Words.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
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