Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
You know what they say? Words.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
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