What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
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