Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."