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sales Jokes

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Real Estate Puns

Gorilla Puns

Baseball Puns

The Parisian Belle & the Salesman

The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was utterly amazed and took her home. To this very day, he still doesn't know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman!

Funny Love Quotes

The Obituary

Betsy and Dan were married for 25 years. They were famous for fighting and generally disliking each other. One the 26th year Dan had a heart attack and died. A few days later Betsy walks into the local newspaper's office and asks to post an obituary. The Ad Editor informs her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100". "Nah." She says, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?" "Ok," Says the editor awkwardly. "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35." "Nope, still too expensive..." She grimaces. "What else ya got?" Flustered, the ad man wants to get her out the door and tells her, "We have the economy options - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5." She agrees. So he fills out the order and asks, "okay, what do you want it to say?" She thinks for a moment and then says: "Dan's dead. Car for sale."

Strawberry Puns

A Marketing Nightmare

A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola. Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: "Why the long face?" The salesman replied: "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure." "Why is that?" Asked the friend, "I thought you had a good campaign running." "Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem - I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images: First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion, he has fainted. Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great. I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing them." "Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "It should have." Sighed the salesman. "Only no one told me they read from right to left..."

What You're Entitled to

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Pick Up Lines

The Old Woman and the Shopkeeper

An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with. The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots. "Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually." "Oh, that would be grand." she said. The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag. The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?" The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"

TV Puns

Something Wrong With the Horse

A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it. The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy said, "He looks just fine. Tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 for him." The farmer again said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500. The farmer said, "Well, he doesn't look so good but if you want him that much he's yours." So the guy bought the horse and took him home. The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, "Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!" The farmer calmly said, "I told you he didn't look too good, didn't I?"

Violin Puns

Ancient Rome Puns

Tax Quotes

10th Time Lucky?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but why?" "Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter. Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance. "Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door.” “Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shop." she answers. "Frauline, don’t gif me that! You know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze bloody grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently. "Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is broken. It does not vork!" she says. “Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks. "Colonel, ze pendulum only svings von vay, ze bloody thing only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK." she answers. He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"

This Bible Salesman Is Awesome

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?" "Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles." "So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!" "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

Mummy Puns

Ghost Puns

The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter. Dumbfounded, she says, "Sir, I don't want to be nosy and feel free not to answer me... but thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. You don't seem to have any and you bought some other, seemingly random things. What gives?" He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because "it's sooooooo much cheaper". So, I figure if I have to roll my own - so does she."

Soap Puns

What Do You WANT?

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English. Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!" "Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.

Yard Puns

In High Demand

Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?" Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years." Boss: "Yes." Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first." Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time." Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade." Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?" Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?" Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"

Boat Puns

Corona Virus Jokes

The Most Expensive Doll

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95." The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."

One Liners for Kids

The Blind Shopkeeper

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50." She paid the bill…

Clothes Pick Up Lines

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management."

Garden Puns

Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Stove Puns

The New Bible Salesman

Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them. "Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot." The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew. "Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly. "Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently. Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles. At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?" The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid." Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold. "What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money. “I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.

The Illiterate Job Seeker

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window. He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him a coin. The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that." says the man. "Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter. "I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Imagine where you'd be if you could!" "Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."

Puns

Tried it Once...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. “No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it". The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks. "No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.” Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club". "That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it". Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager. "Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"

The $50 Lemonade Stand

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade “Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him. The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”. “Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.” The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!” The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?” The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!” The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?” “Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.” The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!” “You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.” “Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?” She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!” “This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

Writing in Blonde

It was 1855 and two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch after their folks pass away. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the local bank from taking their ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll send you a telegram to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it out slowly."

Halloween Puns

The Wrong Fashion Accessory

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming, Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope, Not a clue", she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!' Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert... shoulda bought a hat..."

Bear Puns

Our Daily Chicken

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up. After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Girls on Cruise

Jenny was sitting reading her favorite magazine when suddenly an ad pops for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $500. She excitedly goes to Jack, her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look Jack," she says, "it's in two days and only $500!" "I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?" His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, Jack is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly. "Look Jack," she says, "there's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $500!" "I'm really not into cruises, to be honest." Replies Jack. "Here's $500, why don't you go and have a good time?" She agrees to do just so, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells him how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, Jack notices that his lover Brenda is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?" "Oh, her." sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there." The next day, Jack goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress Brenda. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks Brenda: "Who is she?" "Oh, her!" says Brenda, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"

Train Puns

Chocolate Puns

A Load of Bulls

A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud. The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow?!?"

Shopping for a Psychic

In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."

The Diamond Bracelet

A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Lady, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to c*ap when I tell you the price."

Out With the Old, in With the New

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes..."