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1st grade Jokes

1st grade Jokes and more.

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Joe in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it won't be that bad then." joe replies. "Joe, that's the hottest level," says the gatekeeper in a pained expression, "because heat rises. You'd know that if you had studied for your test."

Ancient Rome Puns

Color Puns

Dragon Jokes

Funny Love Poems

Losing His Last Name

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," the driver replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a mental case on his hands but he has a long shift ahead and he's bored, so he goes along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades." "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD." "Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD." "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD." Then the VD took away my dingaling . So now... I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Hug Puns

Food puns

In My Defense...

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?" Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old." Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me." Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?" Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly." Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?" Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?" Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago." Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?" Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!" Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady:" Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer." Defense Attorney: "And did he?" Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the bastard."

A Lesson In Human Anatomy

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

April Fools Jokes

Some People Shouldn't Write Signs!

Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In a london department store: "Bargain basement upstairs." In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken." Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?' Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness." Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car." Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, There is a day care on the 1st floor." Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door The bell doesn't work)."

How to Raise Your Grade

A student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve." The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" "Fine, we'll leave it at 90." said the grinning student.

Gorilla Puns

Italy Puns

Mountain Puns

A Difference in Prizes

Bubba and Billy Bob were known for having quite a bit below the average smarts around Little Rock. One day, in the Little Rock Walmart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Walmart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise. The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise. She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" "Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you." Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Anna: “Your husband he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” The second reason: “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?” Anna: “Your hozban he did.” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.” The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.” A moment of silence passes... "So... how much do you want?”

Crow Puns

Ocean Puns

The Alcoholic Connoisseur

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.” "Correct!" A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

Birthday Puns

Rock Music Jokes

A Swan Shan't Be Friends With a Pig

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch. However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have.' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!'

Grownup Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

Pedro the Quote Master

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

One Liners and Short Jokes

Gyno Turned Mechanic

After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself. Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

Diving Puns

Dragon Puns

Pig Puns

Orange Puns

Funny Health Quotes

Birthday Jokes

And What Does YOUR Father Do?

It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."

Puns

The Extraordinary Student

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?" Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5th grade!" Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office. While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Jerry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Jerry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Jerry both agreed. Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Jerry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Jerry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Jerry: "Pants." Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Jerry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Jerry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Jerry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Tiger Puns

One Liners for Kids

Cow Puns

Spring Puns

Space Puns

Before the Pearly Gates

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun: "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?" 2nd nun: "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed...

Jokes For Women

Geology Puns

Corny Jokes

The Question

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand. With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"