“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon