“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry