"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."