“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama