"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda