“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett