"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge