“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.