“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Monday should be optional.”
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns