What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

"Slicing Salami"

The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!

– Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!