What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Go to BabaMail
