Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.