Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
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