Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
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