I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
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