Saying

Police have arrested a man for having se* with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn’t fun, was it?
Son: No, it was F*ck.
My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about.
I still wish she hadn't got one.
Stop saying your life is a joke.
A joke has meaning.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!