Myself Jokes

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
I'm not trying to be sexy. It's just my way of expressing myself when I move around.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
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