I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."

Oral Hygiene Puns

I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"

Nuts Puns

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.

Meat Puns

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

Piano Puns

Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

Horse Puns

What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.

Lettuce Puns

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.

Peach Puns

Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.

Hummus Puns

So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.

Rejection Pick Up Lines

Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?

One Liners and Short Jokes

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Funny Parenting Quotes

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous

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