I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally