How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."