The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.