Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
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