How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.