Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.