A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!