A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.