A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”