Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.