"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.