If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I think, therefore I’m single.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.