The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.