My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.